- cheese cake -: November 2017

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Suatu hari nanti ...

I don't know when it comes, but once I meet someone who sincerely love me, listen to my stories, make me feel like I am loved. I will truly give my whole world to him, I'll share my soul and mind. I will keep him for sure..

If I could meet one, I must be do something very well in the past as a reward and I am so lucky for it.

On that fine day, he will share his own stories too and protect me like I am a fire on a candle. He will respect and keep me like I am on my last day, he give all he can like it is going to be our last chance to relate.

Bacause It's not overacting but true.

Because I'll be giving all of my heart, hurt it as much as you don't mean to, but they leave scares.

It's OK because it's such a fool me who always too much at believing, hoping and giving.

(Recently I know someone called it as a disease, she's a doctor but she cannot overcome it).

Then how am I supposed to do?

Should I act harshly or careless to build a defense in case I don't want to get hurt? Will you stay if I do?

I know you'll explain that "pain is just a consequences of love." THANKS!

So, you'll leave in the name of my ego, you'll tell the world that I might cannot be in love because I am that pathetic and I cheat on us.

I am so done of hoping get something from what I did, but please, in this case I am tired of hearing that in relationship there must be so much struggle from both sides to make it last. But don't you mind thinking that it is about taking and giving, not taking and not giving anymore?

You'll explain about sincerity, "on this kind of feeling don't think to get back what you give, because other's happiness should be yours as well", THANK YOU so much anyway!

There are so many justifications from both of us, because actually we feel like we have been doing all we can, been giving all we have or covering our own mistakes, disappointments and what else(?)

At least I met a wise man who always give some (very) great advice for me when I am down (almost giving up on us).

I wish if you would stay for last, I've turned stronger than you ever knew.

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It’s been a while ..

Rasanya udah lama banget aku nggak menuliskan sesuatu, karena biasanya aku akan menuliskan rasa sedih, sakit dan marahku dengan lebih mudah, hehe. Bukan! Itu bukan berarti aku sedang merasa sangat baik dan tenang akhir-akhir ini, justru banyak hal yang terjadi dengan hebatnya dan tak terduga.

Yang jelas sih, tahun ini sangat memberiku banyak sekali pelajaran.

Terlepas dari akhir tahun lalu yang sangat menyedihkan, awal tahun ini Tuhan memberiku kesempatan besar untuk dapat dicintai lagi oleh seorang yang sudah pernah kutuliskan sebelumnya. Tahun ini juga menjadi akhir semesterku.

Masih teringat bagaimana tangis yang kuluapkan sore itu (tahun lalu), kepalaku rasanya sangat lelah untuk berpikir dan sekaligus bingung harus bagaimana. Seorang berusaha menenangkan tapi justru membuat aku semakin sedih karena merasa tidak dipahami dan sebagainya (belakangan aku tau aku seperti itu saat tertekan, bukan salah sipapun tapi aku yang selalu mencari pembenaran, dan mencari pahlawan lain).

Selanjutnya suara menenangkan, seolah aku bercerita pada Ibuku (tapi dulu, sekarang aku sering diam karena beliau jadi lebih khawatir tiap kali tau hal rumit terjadi padaku), membuatku terlihat bodoh kenapa aku menangis saat itu.

Tahun berganti, perjuangan akhir semester terasa biasa saja menurutku, sampai akhirnya ada masalah yang terjadi lagi. Jauh lebih buruk!! Aku tau disana Tuhan menegurku, banyak salah yang sudah pasti kubuat, sangat banyak dan besar. Aku paham, aku terima.

Tapi di saat itu juga aku mengenali orang-orang yang sungguh peduli padaku. Aku tahu betul how am I supposed to treat and respect them, meskipun aku belum bisa melakukan banyak hal yang berarti untuk mereka.

Basically it is because I couldn’t tell about my problem to everyone, but I believe it is not an accident to let some of them knew about it. How the time was and how they treated me bener-bener suatu kuasa yang akan selalu aku ingat dan syukuri.

(It is not dramatic, I know setiap orang akan menemui masalah dalam masa ini, but trust me it is not that usual).

28 Juli 2107.

Hari itu aku serahkan kepada-Nya.

Hari yang sangat singkat rasanya.

Tapi rasa syukur tak hentinya kupanjatkan.

Bulan berlalu, sampai akhirnya aku harus mengucapkan pesan perpisahan.

Saat-saat itu adalah saat where I kneel down for a help from him, thinking about his hug will recover me soon, but then he gotta leave sebelum sempat melakukan apapun!!

Di sana barely I though I did something wrong (pasti, lagi dan lagi), incase I gotta earn this fear.

Time flies~

Banyak sekali teguran Tuhan padaku, sampai aku sadar akan sesuatu, aku dulu jahat tapi sungguh tak sejahat ini, aku dulu banyak beralasan tapi tak selicik ini. Aku takut pada diriku sendiri, how to get back or much better instead??

Aku melupakan hal-hal buruk yang pernah kulakukan sebelumnya, karena aku terlalu sibuk dan bahagia akan sesuatu, tapi akhir-akhir ini aku dapat mengingatnya dengan sangat jelas tanpa kuingin.

Sekarang aku juga sering ingat akan sepenggal dialog di suatu malam, “Kamu milih ninggal atau ditinggal?” I asked him suddently. “Aku milih ditinggal, karena aku nggak mau meninggalkan,” jawabnya (trust me dalam dialog ala ala~ gini dia sering banget misunderstanding, sedih deh). “Aku nggak suka ditinggal, rasanya nggak enak, mending aku aja yang ninggal,” jawabku (ya aku kira dia nyambung maksud pertanyaanku, padaal aku kira dia akan tanya dulu apa maksudku).

Kira- kira begitulah dialog yang aku ingat, sampai akhirnya aku jelaskan maksudku adalah kematian, bukan meninggalkan pasangan HaHa.

Iya!! Jadi aku memikirkan hal itu berulang-ulang akhir-akhir ini. There are so much possibilities, I always wonder apakah aku sudah diampuni atas kesalahan-kesalahan yang aku ingat dan yang sulit kuingat kembali, hingga begitu sombongnya aku ingin pergi lebih dulu? I start to think over and over on my bed every night, aku masih bangun nggak ya besok? How if this is my last year? Just like a movie, there are so much to struggle for when it is coming to an end.

I cannot be sure, but aku sungguh bersyukur atas semua kesempatan ini. One of them is being loved by him. I must be did something so much great then God let us together this way. I may broke the promise or someway but, behind the madness and careless days I feel so blessed and lucky.

At this happiness, I gotta do everything wisely (jangan sampai aku lupa lagi akan besarnya kasih Tuhan padaku), seperti menghargai waktuku mengingat semua salahku dan bersyukur atas hal baik yang selalu diberi Tuhan (that actually always makes me wonder, who am I? Do I deserve this sweet things for all my mistakes?).

It is not easy now to face it without him around, but this way I could respect him more. It is totally not the same as before, I always thought it would be as easy as I experienced, but totally NOT.

It brings me up and down even selang beberapa menit aja~

It torture me and teach me at once.

Force me to push my pride away, understand more, think positive, forgive and forget and much more and more.

It is so much tiring but yet so challenging.

Life will build you up and tear you down, cause life is everyone first experience.

I life once and it is such an honor to know (and always live my life with, I hope) him.

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